Not me. I am no longer young, that is life, but I am not considered old yet. As I sit here and tap my keyboard looking out my office window, I see all sorts of things and people. Just now a woman with white hair driving a black Mercedes sedan was going by very slowly looking back and forth and I wondered how she could view anything overtop the gigantic mask she was wearing. She was alone in the car, who was she protecting or protecting herself from?
Turn on any form of media and you will see endless stories focused on hate, fear, poverty, crime, punishment, rights violations, death, and end of the world garbage. Just yesterday a self-proclaimed preacher was screaming “Get your house in order” on social media. According to him, Russia’s invasion of Ukraine and China’s desire to invade Taiwan signals that once again Revelations is in progress. I’ve heard this story again and again during my lifetime.
When I was born in 1967 my uncle was to be my God Father, he was young, bright, and outgoing and looking forward to the title. He never got the chance to fulfil the duty, Uncle Sam chose him to go to Vietnam without his permission. He eventually returned, a broken man with night terrors, battle scars, and ptsd and to top it all off, half the USA called our war heroes terrorists and baby killers instead of thanking them for their sacrifices. I can’t imagine the fear, anger, hurt and death that he experienced as a young man. I also don’t think you can recover from such, but what do I know. People said it was the end of times, guess what? Life moved on.
My friend Alice told me stories of her experiences during WWII where she as a little girl was responsible for giving soldiers water from a bucket and ladle as they marched by in Montgomery Alabama. Her memories of them were vivid and very descriptive. She talked about their clothes, their shoes which were taped together, the fear, the excitement, the exhaustion, and the sadness she felt knowing at 9 that many she would never see again because the Nazi’s would murder them.
In 1990 living in Germany, I felt the energy, hate, fear and disdain of people protesting the Gulf War, they were angry at Americans. It was during this time that I always answered the question American? As No, Canadian. It wasn’t war they protested; it was death. They chanted No Blood for Oil over and over. They remembered what death is and does to a nation and were in fear of it happening once again.
In 2001 I was working for an accounting firm when my fellow employee Heather screamed "COME HERE NOW" and we stood staring at videos of an aircraft flying into a tower, flames bursting and smoke filling the screen. Within minutes the entire office was huddled around that pc screen and we watched in fear as a second plane hit another building followed by mass hysteria, fire, ashes, smoke, rubble and people jumping from high rise windows. We spent the whole day in Heather's office watching in disbelief. We knew the US would never be the same and that terrorist had changed our way of life permanently. It did. Terrorism on US soil brought fear and war and eventually the death of thousands of Americans both in the US and on foreign soil. It also brought an end to trusting people that you do not know. The fear was and still is real.
In 2002 as I watched soldiers from the 82nd Airborne load aircraft bound for Afghanistan; I had that queasy stomach feeling. Soldiers were geared up in uniform looking brave and ready to do what they had trained so hard for. Their families all polished up to look their best as their husbands and wives left for war, not knowing if they would return. There were tears from both soldiers and family members alike. Many of those soldiers came home in coffins, that year Arlington gained 9 warriors that I once knew in life, the number would climb to 21 by 2005. The fear of loss and the unknown was very real.
In 2004 once again I am at Green Ramp watching soldiers load aircraft, this time bound for Iraq. Same scenario, bravery, and tears and the unknown. Although most of the soldiers had a better understanding of what was coming due to the past deployment, the fear was still present. Families said goodbyes and watched as the aircraft took off. This deployment was a little different, tensions were higher, more American casualties were occurring and the Army had new sat phones and plasma video conferencing that soldiers used to see their families once a month if you were lucky.
During this deployment many things happened. One day my hubs had hiked the mountain and was on a sat phone in a booth talking with me, I could hear rockets overhead and the rat, tat, tat, tat, shew shew shew sounds of gun fire as he yelled his hello when all of the sudden, he screamed FUCK ME! It was followed by a loud explosion and a dead call. 3 weeks later, he had a stranger send me a message to let me know he was alive, waiting for that message you guessed it caused fear.
Another time my hubs was in his tent when they were attacked so he ran out in boxers and flip flops to exchange fire and was pissed because a round had hit and killed his coffee maker. There was no PX or store to go to back then for a replacement, it took over a month and a half to get a new one shipped to him. I also had to ship loads of pink coconut Little Debbie Cakes for trading but that story I'll tell another day.
While I won’t get into the gruesome details of the incident, during this deployment a beautiful 5-year-old girl was detonated by her parents, used as an IED. Four of our family members were killed in the convoy, one was someone we had known for 13 years. It was because of this relationship and that they were under my husband’s command that I went with the funeral detail to notify this beautiful, pregnant woman that her sweet husband was gone. I was left full of sorrow and fear.
I remember her face when she answered the door. I remember how her olive skin went white and how she screamed and held her belly as she hit her knees. I remember her crying because her unborn twins would never meet their daddy and I remember how much their daddy wanted to meet them. I remember her hands shaking while she tried to get me phone numbers for her loved ones, and I remember her forgetting her name. I also remember offering to be available 24/7 for anything she wanted or needed, and I remember feeling helpless. I get that I used the line I remember over and over, something that and editor would frown and strike through, but it gets my point of view across. One thing I failed to mention earlier is that this woman at Green Ramp laughed when her husband and mine boarded together and said your husband is insane, but I know he is the reason mine will come home. January 27, 2004 is the day that our husbands died. Her husband went 6ft into the ground, mine went back to war both physically and mentally and never came back, he did reemerge as a different person but was one that I was unfamiliar with, and he never recovered. He lives with his losses, experiences and demons but is in constant mental anguish.
We’ve visited Buddy in Arlington on several anniversaries, always drinking a coffee and shot of Jack (his favorite drink) at his grave, we leave coins and a shot on the headstone each visit. On the 10th anniversary of his death, we stood by his wife and looked at photos of her handsome twin boys. She married her best friend who supported her through her loss and continues to do so by ensuring that the boys know their father through photos, stories, momentos, and videos. She still loves her lost soldier and fears that she isn’t doing enough to ensure her boys know and understand their father and his sacrifice.
2004 was a rough year, I attended several funeral details and chose to be the one doing the notification out of loyalty to our military family. I held FRG meetings and made calls to wives letting them vent in frustration or anger to be kind. Many of their husbands were screwing anything that moved because they could, something that angered my husband, but many were also missing their spouses as well. Divorces happened, deployment money was wasted, and many spouses left behind were having difficulty dealing with their situations. Suicides happened, I picked up some from jail due to dui, others were fighting, some were so depressed they couldn’t leave their home or eat, kids were neglected, kids were showered with attention, and emergencies happened. I was busy concentrating on others so for me the year went quickly. I rarely talked with my hubs, he gave his phone time to others but the stories of his bravery and sometimes stupid actions kept coming from other calls made to spouses, so I knew he was fine. But there was always fear.
Russia has invaded the Ukraine, social media is buzzing with fear….end of the world, donate money, save the dogs, etc. 2,500 troops from Fort Bragg are on their way to Ukraine for support, as I watch the footage of them boarding aircraft, I am reminded of how many soldiers die during “peace keeping missions” and once again I am angry that our government see our men as disposable. Stock markets are falling, prices are raising, and people are again living in fear.
There has always been war and conflict and there will always be war and conflict. I don’t believe that peace is achievable because there are simply too many people on earth and the one thing humans do best is refuse harmony. I say something is black you say blue and so on it goes, never mind one of us has vision problems, why is it so hard to say we are both right?
A man just pulled his Ford pickup and parked too close to my ride. He has two beautiful huskies in the bed of his truck who seem delighted to be out for a ride. Traffic is so bad in the Fayetteville area that I fear some dumbass may cut them off in traffic or slam into his back end and the puppies could be harmed. See, fear is always present, you can count on it.
The point to my ranting is that no matter who you are, where you are, some person is living in fear of something. It comes and goes but we all do it. I’ve seen it.
RIP Army Staff Sgt. Lester O. Kinney II
killed Jan. 27 2004 in an improvised explosive device attack near Iskandariyah, Iraq
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