val·i·da·tion
/ˌvaləˈdāSH(ə)n/
noun
the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something.
"the technique requires validation in controlled trials"
o the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable.
"new courses, subject to validation, include an MSc in Urban Forestry"
o recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.
"they have exaggerated needs for acceptance and validation"
I am by nature a confident person, I seek approval only from a select few and I do mean few and I care very little about impressing others, to me validation comes from within. I often come across as intimidating, controlling, pushy, arrogant, and as a know it all which is the opposite of what I really am. I simply go the extra in learning about a topic and want to know more then just “this is it” do it.
For example: A clock has a series of gears that moves by power to track minutes and hours, you use it to tell time. The average person just glances at the clock and knows it is 3, 4, 5 pm. I need to know what powers the gears, is it a battery? Electricity? Gravity? What controls the speed of the gears that click one at a time to ensure that it remains consistent and true. How is it calibrated and by whom? When is it considered off balance and what type of maintenance is required?
When a part of a team and given a task, I complete the task and provide it to the person that I am assigned to. Let’s say a report or presentation, I research, format, create and present it to the person I am required to work with on the project. Once finished, I don’t care for recognition, no one has to stand up and say She did this, to me that recognition comes in the form of participation in completing a task or project as a part of a team. I will never claim that I did something that someone else worked hard to achieve. NEVER. I believe that in a team dynamic we each have a role or a part that brings strength when combined. The word I should be removed from a team dynamic, we accomplished this, we did this, or we failed. My failure to need validation however annoys the shit out of others and makes them even more determined to wave their hand and demand more and more validation.
There is always that one person who needs to be the center of attention. They interrupt every conversation to bring attention to themselves, either by voice or by actions. They are the arm crossing, paper shuffling, hummphing, face clamping, temper tantrum throwing validation people whom I call the “look at Mes”.
I enjoy these people and they hate me for it. I enjoy allowing them to take credit for what I have created, giving them the look at me moment with glee in their eyes as people buy into what they are selling, and I wait for just the right moment to snatch that rug out from under their feet. Not to return credit back to me but to remove credibility from them. A virtual slap.
One day at work we had a large sales meeting with 100 attending. I had worked a good solid week to create an agenda, research and prepare topics and all the necessary resources, data, presentations, etc. that go along with them. I loaded my completed presentation on the big screen as always and prepped handouts for the “team”. The owner of the business was big on being “the One” who presented everything, she wanted to always be seen as “the Leader”. I didn’t normally care but for some reason this day I was in a pissy mood, and she was extra nasty so I edited the presentation in several areas to allow for dissection by an aggressive group. So, she I and I and I and I her way through the presentation and tried her best to answer questions that she made up answers for while I smiled and followed along. I researched, I prepared, I called, I talked with, I allowed, I created, and so on it went until her audience began asking questions that “I” could not answer. It was during these moments that “I” realized that someone had set her up to fail in front of over 100 of the people she worked so hard to impress.
At this point, instead of saying I am the presenter, I did not create or research the project but I assigned it so I will let those who did the work answer, she threw the guide I had created for her at me and walked out of the room. We just continued through the presentation and completed the meeting as usual without giving her temper tantrum attention. The entire room chose to ignore her I issues, everyone already knew who had created the project and they had no expectations for her to know it all. “I” of course was in full revenge mode after the presentation was over and the attendees cleared. I sat in her office for over an hour listening to her scream at how important it was that she be seen as the Leader and the most important person in the building and the relativity to that importance and her misguided view of retention.
Fast forward a few months, an employee whose wife was undergoing chemo was struggling with her impending death and terrified of loosing his beloved spouse. She was his world and had been for decades. She was a lovely woman, always smiling, joking, and held his hand in support of everything they did. You immediately liked her the moment you met her, and she always left you feeling warm and fuzzy. I had been making routine check ups during her two courses of chemo, every week, not out of work duty but in friendship. I genuinely liked this couple and enjoyed their friendship. One day the employee came to me in tears, and I held his hand while he cried, he had just been told by the doctor that she would die in a few days, and he wasn’t sure he could handle it. I was honored to be the friend that he came to in his time of need for comfort.
I was the first person that he phoned when his beautiful love died. He was unable to say much and was sobbing and asked that I let the other employees know, he didn’t want to talk with anyone, he needed time to comprehend life without her. I reached out via group text asking everyone to keep him in their prayers. Saddened by the loss of my friend and the heartbreak her husband was enduring, I was focused on being whatever support I could offer.
I Wasn’t prepared for what happened the following Monday during a staff meeting. Typically, all staff met Mondays at 10 to discuss the prior week, review assignments, updates, etc., very routine, this Monday it was a lecture. I had disrespected her leadership/owner/employer position by making an announcement to everyone and not allowing her to be the person to share information. All announcements “should come from me and no one else so that I can maintain my position of authority and appear connected to all employees”. We sat in shock as she talked about how important it was for her to have told everyone the bad news. Was her need for validation so great that she failed to acknowledge this man’s tremendous, life changing loss? How could one person see herself so important that only her appearance mattered?
Today in a new office setting, I focused on that One person, every office has one. This one inserted herself into things being created that she hasn’t seen nor participated in so that she could wave her hand as the “I” person. I wonder if she knows that she embarrassed herself in front of a guest who kept giving me uncomfortable glances or that all other staff members worked hard at trying to cover her behavior with positive chatter. I wonder if she cares or is her need for validation so great that even negative attention satisfies her I complex. And I wonder if she sees the pity on the faces of others who wonder why she has behavioral issues. I hope at some point in her life she finds what makes her feel validated, I suspect she won’t and will keep on waving.
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