I haven’t written in a while, lately as I look around, I feel uninspired and a little disgusted and I am fairly certain my muse was hit by an idiot in a lowered honda with a california muffler. As I drove to work this morning, I noticed on the main road I was driving, all the black and blue trash cans lined up on the white line awaiting the trash collection truck. Like little soldiers at attention, dress right dress. Brown and taupe houses all in a line, shrubs all the same, same fences, same driveways, same rooflines, and tiny bits of personality like a weird frog on a step or a plant that I am certain the HOA did not approve. I passed signs telling me that I am paying far too much for fuel and one unfortunate gas station with a sign that read Fuel in the Rear. I definitely don’t want that. It is like we live in a Borg Collective and everyone has assimilated.
People were speeding to some mystery work place all frantic and making poor decisions. Lines seen at fast food places where people are lined up for mystery meats and chemical laced biscuits at ridiculous prices. Yesterday, I went to Kohls to search for cute summer clothes but all I found were sack dresses, onsies and velvet tops, something I thought died back in the early 1900s. Half the store was empty, the other half was on clearance at 70% with an additional 20% off, they are begging you to take these eyesores away and no one was buying it. I suppose someone found a gigantic warehouse of left-over crap from back when and are trying to pass it off as fashion, all the stores are infected with this garbage and it got my brain connecting the dots.
Food prices are at stupid levels, fuel is the highest we’ve ever seen, interest rates high, prices of everything are reaching unattainable levels, people are fighting for housing with many not finding something they can afford, homelessness is at an all time high, but hey no one is assaulting us on Twitter, so it is all good. In the past year our stupid country has allowed our current administration to turn us into California and no one is fighting it. Ignorant people are supergluing their hands to counters in Starbucks to protest real milk, but the rest of the country doesn’t feel protesting the downfall of our economy is important. We’ve literally bent over. Democratic cities all over the US are insane and crime ridden, how on earth did we allow this to happen to the entire country?
Food warehouses all over the country have gone up in flames and the media isn’t focusing on it. State after state has had at least 1 distribution facility burn. Supply movement is not what it once was and shelves are not stocked. I risk death by cat weekly because stores don’t have cat food on shelves unless you want Special Kitty which is some knockoff brand of I don’t know what, so Amazon to the rescue. Shop small? Can’t. Your prices are too high or your availability sucks. My slashing tornado of death doesn’t care what store it comes from as long as it arrives at 6:30 am and 6 pm nicely presented in her bowl.
Saturday, I paid $5499.49 for a lawnmower. My first push mower was $149 back in the early 90s and then I thought it was expensive. I drove home feeling ill and waited for the delivery guy to arrive with my expensive prize.
The pizza place near my office was a favorite lunch option, you could get a 10 in 2 topping pizza and a coke for $6, today the price was $10, so I politely said no thank you. The manager said we had to raise our prices, I said I have to guard my wallet and we both frowned. It isn’t his fault. I asked how business was, and he said employee costs are up so I had to let staff go because they want $15 an hour and we can’t afford it. We raised prices to cover employee costs and supply costs and now business is down 35% because people like you won’t pay these prices. I just nodded because I know it is a catch 22. You can’t spend what you don’t have, and you are afraid to spend what you do because you may need it when other rates go even higher. No one is winning. Dead people elected this.
I learned while working in a historic Methodist church whose median congregational member age was 65+ that as you age you begin to relate things or compare things to your time in your history. Your time meaning the period of time in which you were the happiest and when things were feeling positive, and life was good. For my friend Alice, it was her time as a principal in the Central Office of a school board, she by the way, was the first female principal of any school in North Carolina, a very impressive achievement. For me, my time seems to be the 80s. Funny that before 2020, I rarely thought of the 80s and now I remember it clear as day. It was a blast, fun, hard, friends, growth, classes, money, trips, food, relatives, holidays, lakes, mardi gras, clothes, music, cheap everything, muscle cars, rock concerts, freedom and so much laughter. As I drove to work and took a look around, I realized that age does not bring wisdom, it simply gives you time and experiences to compare. It saddens me to think that young people only have our current state of time to look back and compare to, they will never know freedom and will never have what we did. We were not wealthy we didn’t need to be.
There were still trash cans on curbs but there were no HOA police giving you tickets if you chose to paint yours pink, homes were free to be whatever color you liked and rarely did someone steal your packages and flowers. Kids played outside, teenagers packed into cars and pickups and disappeared to places parents sort of knew about but didn’t really want to know. Bad things happened but not on the scale as today. Friends could throw in a buck and together we bought all sorts of munchies and we covered those who didn’t have that dollar. We paid $0.59 a gallon for fuel and fussed about the cost but still made that drive to Dauphin Island to do nothing on the beach. Boones Farm Strawberry Hill was $3 a bottle and it tasted oh so good over ice. Malls were safe and the food court was the place to be, malls now are the place of urban shoot outs and less then desirables. There weren’t as many people as there are now, and I think that is the problem. We are too crowded and the bad are beginning to overcome the good.
I have always given back in some fashion but last fall I decided to quit. The last event I assisted with was a large one and did very well, but the group I assisted acted like I owed them something for helping and was not in the least grateful. It was hot, scorching hot and they didn’t so much as offer a drink. They fought over the funds, did not do the accounting as promised, argued over items that should have been raffled but weren’t, and just left me feeling disgusted. A little while back I gave a vet $2 to cover his food purchase in the grocery store to keep him from embarrassment, a little gratitude for his service and I felt sad that he should need it, we owe him much. I’ve lately stuck to the little gestures instead of grand ones and still get the same internal feeling of pleasure for helping but today I received a call from someone asking me to help them earn money for a very worthy cause and I think I’ll give it another go. If we all quit, then nothing changes. Some how I must get past the things I see and give more attention to the things I do not.
The Bible says that “All things work for good”, this has been a line that has recently played over and over in my head.
I’ve always had feelings, premonitions, misplaced dreams (I normally do not dream, so when I do it is more of a warning), gut feelings, or overwhelming feelings of change. In December of 2019 I scared a coworker by telling her that I had a feeling of dreadful change for weeks that kept me from sleeping, eating or being interested in anything. It was almost all consuming, it felt big, encompassing more then myself and immediate circle and in 2020 Covid changed the world and the feeling changed. It is back. For a week now, I feel something large is about to hit on a global scale and I have a sense of urgency, dread, déjà vu and I can’t shake it. Usually when I dream it is about a person, but my single dream was about preparedness and I couldn’t see faces, just things and places. My dreams prepared me for covid and everything that came with it, so I’ll listen to this one and prep again but for now, I think I will focus on this new event. The truth is that I am ready for this world to end. No, I am not suicidal, I would never jeopardize my soul, I just think that humans have like ants, overpopulated the sandbox and it is time for earth to shake it and start over.
I realize that I am rambling but that is how my head works, you'll be fine. Things for me lately have not been good and I am dealing with life changes that I cannot control. An idiot leased his field to another idiot who contaminated it with a weed killer that was not supposed to be used in places where the droplets can't be contained. That application ruined my beautiful little farm and my attitude towards people. My horses died the day after the application, my chickens died 2 days after and now my super sweet pup, my friend that has been at my side for 10 years is dying. His nose cancer is literally rotting off the front of his face, and it has been confirmed that "inhailation of chemical compounds" is the culprit. My neighbor has killed my best friend. I anticipate at some point I'll have health issues as well. People will always people. He is scared of me and goes out of his way to make sure we don't speak because I have promised to pit his vehicle and take him out if he comes close, so he doesn't. I love on my puppy as much as I can and have chosen pallative care instead of surgical amputation of his nose. His breathing is getting worse and the damage is horrific but he continues to play, snuggle, eat, walk, and tries to give me his attention so until his bad days are more then his good, I'll continue to clean his nose, give him meds, and do my best to make him feel loved. My place isn't a farm without animals, it is a small house on a big lot. My neighbor killed the magic and left me feeling angry and defeated.
At work, I watch people I thought were good turn into the very thing they complained about. I get that you work for money, but I am also a person who refuses to stab others for a buck. Life has always given me what I need, I am not weathly but I am very comfortable and I have faith so I refuse to be nasty to others. I had thought the person to whom I am referring was likewise a good person but I guess she assimilated to the negative side. Doesn't matter really, my inner circle is one I keep small, she just goes into the outer circle where I play nice and don't really join in. I am disappointed in her though but not surprised.
I am staying home more and more because I am tired of everything, racing, people, liars, criers, and an overwhelming disappointment stemming from people who could be doing so much more for others but chose not to. Home is my puppy, my garden, my front porch, the couch, my silly new Jersey Giant Chics, long walks on my private land, and peace so why go out?
I'm finishing up at work but as I drive home, I’ll continue to repeat All Things Work for Good and play my head game where I look for one positive and beautiful thing in each direction I look as I travel to home. If you look hard enough, there is always something, a field of flowers, a brightly painted door, a deer, a rabbit, the sun, an old muscle car, tacos……
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